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A self conscious post about self conscious posting

December 14, 2011

Look at me, returning at the time I said I would. Well….

<I just wrote a 400 word blog post giving advice for people considering teaching in Korea. I’d like to think it was somewhat valuable advice and everything, but I hated it and erased the whole thing. I couldn’t stand the confident and sagely manner of it, even though it was buried in self effacing jokes. This is why I typically can go so long between posts… it’s not for lack of trying. It’s for complete disgust at the way I sound when I read it back afterwards.>

<I wrote another post. This one was 300ish words before I gave up. It was about the 8 Saturdays that I worked from September to November. I started by stating that “I should write this before it’s a distant memory and I’m too far removed from it emotionally”. Too fucking late. I sounded like a whiny asshole as I talked about how Saturday is the cornerstone of the weekend and broke down the complicated ins and outs of my ridiculous nerdy schedule. It was completely vacuous and stupid. I’m saving you on this particular one.>

I’m clearly just uncomfortable with the sound of my own voice… in text.

This is why you don’t get blog posts, folks. I get halfway through writing something and then a loud voice in my head says “who the hell would ever want to read this? I can’t believe you’re wasting people’s time with this nonsense!” and I bail. This is why this blog is constantly filled with flowcharts and dvd commentary and gimmicks: to distract away from the fact that I’m saying almost nothing at all.

I know, I don’t have to say things of great importance all the time. I know, some of you might be legitimately curious in some of the topics that I deem uninteresting. I don’t need you to message me telling me that you like reading my dumb thoughts. The problem isn’t you, it’s me.

Here’s the thing. I don’t think of my blog selfishly enough. I can’t put myself in the mindset of “this is my private place to write my thoughts”, because it’s not. It’s a place for you to read the thoughts I specifically put here for you. I can’t pretend I’m whispering when I know I’m shouting. What I write here is not for it’s own sake, it’s for an audience, and I’m too aware of that sometimes. I do plenty of writing that is for its own sake that no person will ever see; there is already an outlet for that type of stuff in my head. It’s not on a public blog.

But look, I made it. Here’s a post. It’s still not my most carefully guarded and private self, but it’s an honest explanation, performed (yes, performed) more or less as it happened just now in my mind.

I still wouldn’t post this if I didn’t have to, so thank the turtle doves for that one.


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One Comment
  1. James permalink

    But thats the whole thing about blogging. You kinda have to have this mindset where “PEOPLE CARE ABOUT MY THOUGHTS” or the purpose of it is lost…

    I care about your thoughts haha!

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