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Thou are eery

February 27, 2012

Sometimes it’s amazing how little can change when you change everything in your life. [+15 EXP and an achievement unlocked for whomever figures out the title of this post, by the way].

Oh yes, with a first sentence like that, we’re going to get into some reflective territory. Look at me, using this blog like a blog, and not just a place to post pictures and inside jokes. I’ve wanted to do this blog post for quite a while, but I think having it roughly coincide with my six month anniversary here is about right. If you want your normal irregularly scheduled silliness, come back on the next post.

Here’s my realization: Nothing at all about my personality has changed since I got here.

I mean, I didn’t come here specifically to escape myself or to find myself or to really even discover anything new about myself, but in my catching up with several old friends (and making several new ones), I’ve noticed that I’m the same person. Creepily the same person. There has been a disturbing lack of change in my personality, outlook, and general disposition.

Hey, I could use this as my excuse for real reflective blog posts! I won’t though.

It doesn’t feel like you should be able to travel to the other side of the world, live in a foreign culture, eat wacky food, try drinking for the first time, meet new people, be constantly immersed in another language, and still be exactly the same asshole who left Canada six months ago. I feel like I’ve been just been copy-pasted from one place to another.

Sure, I’ve learned plenty of new things. I’ve definitely developed a skill for teaching, maybe even a passion for it. I know way more about Korean culture and customs. There have been many stories of both the touching and funny variety. I feel like I have quantifiably more experiences under my belt, but not like they’ve actually affected me in any meaningful way.

The words of Buckaroo Banzai finally make sense. (Obscurest reference yet on this blog?)

I should stress this once again: I didn’t come here to change anything in particular about myself, but it was definitely a weird moment of realization. I mean, just the act of coming here was a bit of a leap out of my comfort zone. Don’t people learn things about themselves on trips like this? Don’t they have bolts of inspiration and flashes of insight that compel and surprise them? Don’t they get all mature and see the world differently?

There’s one more thing I need to catch before you think it: I’m not particularly sad about this. This is more of a strange observation than anything else. I’m having a pretty great time here, on the whole. Stuff’s good. I’m happy with me; I find myself endlessly entertaining and fascinating, even if you don’t. I’m just always waiting for an unexpected bit of self discovery to happen.

And it never will. It’s like playing both sides in a chess game and hoping to surprise yourself with a winning move. It just doesn’t work that way. I feel like my personality was frozen solid five or six years ago and that nothing has really changed since then. Maybe it’s because I haven’t wanted it to, maybe it’s because I haven’t let it, or maybe it just isn’t built that way. Either way, I just realized it now, and that’s not the type of realization I was talking about wanting. Like I said though, I’m happy enough with the way things are.

At this point, I have to be.


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