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Rational Fears.

May 25, 2012

(Written May 20th. Context not available due to lack of real life experience) 

Because I’m in control of my life,
and sharks terrify me,
I’ve declared I’ll never go in the ocean.

The thought of bobbing up and down
alone, on the surface of the water
and those prehistoric teeth rising out of the depths
and devouring me
is a terrifying enough thought
to keep me on land forever.

I always wonder,
when I see videos of shark attacks,
if those people thrashing around
in that kool-aid colored water
ever considered
the complete statistical impossibility
of being eaten by a shark indoors.

They didn’t. Those drowning limbless fools.

Because I’m in control of my life,
I’ve also declared that I’m not going in the woods.

The image of wandering upon a grizzly
and desperately trying to reason with it
as it descends upon me
with razor claws
is just too much to … bear.

Grizzlies don’t wander downtown streets.
Neither do wolves,
or mountain lions,
or bees.

Man, I hate bees.

I’m in control of my life,
and I won’t be killed by any of them
because of the careful choice I’ve made
to stay in well populated urban areas.

The thing is… people scare me too.
They’re unpredictable.
They carry diseases
and can stab you at any point.

So clearly,
the safest thing is to just stay in my room
while I think of all the possible deaths
I’ve narrowly avoided
by remaining
in control.

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One Comment
  1. James permalink

    Aww I was hoping you’d jab at me about my mayonnaise fear haha.

    And fuck bees!

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